A friend, whom I haven’t bonded with in a while, told me that I seemed melancholic. I said a was just bored, listless, feeling a little bit unloved. Aside from the academic conundrums that I am faced with, which I, by the way, normally neglect; the once in a while gossip and drinking sessions I have with my friends; and the familiarly bright glare from the computer screen I face upon going home late, I have nothing else in my schedule that seems the bit least interesting. Waking up twenty minutes before my first class are the only adrenaline-filled moments in my life, and at most cases, as if knowing I’m in a dream and that nothing matters, I go about, uncaring if I’m late or not. It was if, life, again, has become mundane for me.
Procrastination is my best friend—she accompanies me at all times, and even though I know that she is never a good influence for me, I enjoy her company so much that at the blank moments in my life, when I do get to reflect at the semester nearing its end, I cringe at the thought that I haven’t done anything to be proud of yet. The want to graduate on time with a laude standing should have convinced me to already ditch her, but most of the times I cling to the hope that maybe I’m still smart, maybe my brilliancy will let me push through, even though I do know that I am not the person who I once was. I am not a person who can understand easily anymore with minimal effort, I am not someone that people can look up to as someone exceptional, because I am not who I once was. My brain is dead, along with my morals. I stopped reaching for the gold, resigning to the fact that yes, I am not someone I myself can be proud of, and that yes, I may have done a lot of miscalculations in the profession I picked. I cannot see myself being happy in this career, thinking aside from the large benefits I can gain once I graduate, but do I really have the right to think of such things, with only a little more than a semester left before it all ends? God forbid making me stay a little longer in the university. I want to graduate on time.
And then I look at the other aspect of my life that has always been missing, but I never thought that I would be grow into the kind of girl that I despise. I hate those kind of girls—thinking that life without romantic love is useless. Depending on a man for happiness. I used to be an advocate for independence. Who needs men? They are the ones who fall deep in love/lust for women, not the other way around. I have lived twenty years with this line of thinking, but why now, nearing my 21st year, do I feel as if not having a guy around is blatantly colorless? It’s as if experiencing a bit of this so-called phenomenon has caused me to crave for so much more. I want to experience it before I graduate. I want to have this while I’m still my youth. I have moved on from loving the person, yet I still haven’t moved on from loving the feeling of loving. The moments when you just smile out of nowhere from remembering some trivial events, I miss it. It’s as if I cannot live without them anymore. It’s as if I cannot survive without affection from the opposite sex. I despair over this new me.
There, I said it, issues that have been bringing me tears lately, together with my favorite ending scene from Code Geass R2. Even my animanga fangirling has become rusty, and a while ago I realized that I was privileged enough to watch some selected worthwhile anime, and that I really should watch some again. Maybe joining new fandoms would make me cheer up, but it will be definitely bad for my academics. (￣▽￣)ノ?
