DEAD.
Tonight, most of my college friends are going to have dinner together. Tonight, there’s this party with a live band at the Barracks, where you can get in for free—all you need to do is buy dinner. Perfect. Maybe, my crushes, or new prospects waiting to be discovered, will be there too. Plus tonight, my dinner’s going to be paid by my best friend. Tomorrow, my first class starts at 1PM so staying out late is acceptable. But today, I went home early.
I went home early due to exhaustion. My new pair of shoes may have hurt my feet terribly but that’s not something I really would mind in the face of a party where all my expenses will be paid by others. But I am emotionally drained, like being in contact of the “outside” world reopened my cuts. It’s like my eyes are already going to surrender. Part of me believes that is attributable to reading manga until three in the morning, another part believes that is due to wearing contact lenses, and another believes that my eyes are like a dam ready to collapse and give in to the current. I have yet to cry since for some reason my angst has taken a bigger hold of me, which I fear can get me into more trouble. Deadly fumes, no doubt, have emanated from my body and contributed to that awkward atmosphere in class, but I just had to go and clap my hands and make my participation more known. I won’t doubt it if I will be called in for some disciplinary action, because the smart me just had to clap in a fast, painful, unnatural way. It’s because I was congratulated, was I not? I was congratulated for failing, and I wanted everyone to know how I am unsatisfied of this result. So I clapped. I didn’t care, but later, after I cooled my head off, I realized that I was not doing a good job of being a ninja. I let my enemy spot me too easily, thus now I am in danger of being executed. I feel a little bit guilty too, but I guess I can’t turn back time. I therefore resolve that I would have to maintain my cool, or else my graduation is on the line, hoping that it isn’t yet.
It seems as if everything could go wrong this semester. What makes me truly suspicious is why he took both the lecture and recitation portions. Why? To be able to guard us better? To be able to prove that we deserve to fail? To be able to focus more on us, to be able to make our burden heavier? Why? This is too ominous. This is making things appear way to hopeless, making me fear that taking away my laude standing and award nominations is not the end of it all. It’s like this bad anime where you think everything’s going to get better after a battle but they bombard you with new enemies, with the most annoying powers ever and even though you thought the protagonists were strong, they suddenly turn stupid and weak at the bat of an eyelid. YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY STRONG—OF A HIGHER LEVEL RESULTING FROM NUMEROUS YEARS OF INTENSE TRAINING, BUT THEY STILL LOSE ANYWAY. It’s like watching Yusuke of YuYu Hakusho getting beat up by some guy who only knew how to kick even though Yusuke already beat Taguro’s strongest form! IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING! You can’t do anything but watch and throw in a few swear words, and nothing will happen, because those words are undead emotions, spurted out of hurt and despair but will never be able to change anything, because you, you can only watch. Even if you exert an effort, it’s hopeless… you are helpless, taken in captivity by your incapability. Because they have power and you don’t. You have responsibility but you don’t have power.
