Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Drink and the devil had done for the rest

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

I wish I could go Jack Sparrow myself and drink myself senseless around a bonfire in some island. I wonder when have I become this pitiful, that whenever I feel like crying I have nobody to share my pains with. It is just at that exact moment when I feel myself falling apart that no one is conveniently available, adding salt to the already salty seawater. These moments are becoming too frequent to ignore and I scold myself for living with the delusion that I have enough friends. Apparently I don’t.

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Lately I’ve been wondering if it is worth the wait. I’ve been waiting for too long, in fact, as soon as the semester starts, the wait will reach the one year mark. For one year I have been waiting for something that I have never had, a shot to something that I have always dreamt of since I was a child exposed to Koreanovelas and shoujo manga. I was so focused on this one person that I’ve let others slide past not unscathed. And now I am, once again, feeling guilty for all the possible pain that I have caused them, reminded by recent conversations of chances I let slide and cleared of all illusions that everything is okay again. 

And now I’m pondering once again if he really likes me the way or how much he claims to, because if he does, then why do I feel as if I’m back at square one, when everything was all one-sided? I can’t bring myself to believe the excuse that he is torpe, and in my humble and naive opinion, guys have no right to be torpe since it’s us girls who do the waiting, it’s us girls who do the hoping without the chance of actually going all out on wooing. Call me sexist and too traditional, but I totally live in the idea of ligaw—it’s my way of gauging if someone’s really serious about me. Being serious about me doesn’t always do the trick tho. 

My friend said I’m disillusioned about love. I said she once was too.

I don’t appreciate this summer at all. I didn’t achieve even half of what I planned for my thesis and my org. And now, this: I can’t even meet up with any of my friends since they’re… I don’t know. Most of them live far away and those that live near me,  they’re just not available. I’m about to go crazy out of boredom yet I can’t even rely on any of them to accompany me even just for a short talk or for a movie. I’m wishing once again that I made more friends. I always feel as if I’m the last priority, that I can’t even ask for a few hours from these people I thought who also thought of me as a pretty okay friend. Because of this, I’m missing my everythingmate (galamate, shoppingmate, monimate, CRmate etc.) Shaina.:| Even tho she has an org and a boyfriend, she never let me feel as if I’m bothering her whenever I wanted to hang out. I miss her terribly.

Badtrip naman kasi ang bruhang ‘to, nagtrabaho agad. Huuuu. (u___u )

PS. I wrote this last night but Tumblr just had to go awry before I could hit the publish button. I feel a little better now, Sandra and I will head to a parlor laturr.:3

*translation: i am not angry. i’m jealous.

you know how you always see stuff like this around tumblr? quotes or lines that attract reaction from tons of people, since they have the ability to extract memories and feelings? i don’t. for illustration, i shall comment about this image. i feel… nothing. nil. nada. i see it. i read the words. i take note of the emphasis of the words, the changing of fonts. the simplicity of the image. i can envision the feeling that it’s trying to portray, but i do not feel it. what is this jealousy that this image talks of? i know nothing of it. (take note that i am discussing jealousy in romantic terms.)

i am already 19, yet i have never loved. never even felt infatuation. i have never experienced what we call M.U., or mutual understanding. the “it’s complicated” status never crossed my Facebook, so the status “in a relationship” has more or less the negative infinity chance of appearing.

of course, i’ve had crushes. i’ve had TONS of crushes: 5-minute long crushes, 4-year long crushes, crush-at-first-sight crushes, yada yada. i’ve had crushes since i was five. yet even some eenie-weenie passing jealousy, i’ve never felt. so what if this guy who had been my crush for two years is with his girlfriend? i may act angry in front of my friends, i may whine and sulk and gripe, but it’s all for show. i’ve never felt jealousy.

am i even normal? am i emotionally incapable? am i going to be an old maid? i don’t have any love-related trauma, so why? i’m already at the edge of leaving my teenage years, yet the love that everyone talks of, the youth-filled love that i’ve always seen or read of, has never occurred yet. i shed dry tears over this matter.ಠ_ಠ

is it because my standards are too high? i’ve thought of that before… but i’ve always refused to change them. don’t people say that when you love a person, he or she is exempted from every single rule? so why change them, if he’s going to be exempted anyway?HAHA. or is it because i’m unsociable and have too little chance of meeting others? hmm. maybe. or it could be that i am really devoid of acquiring this emotion called l-o-v-e looowv.

so, how about introducing me to someone? HAHA. jokies.:)) i did not make just an entire essay just to ask you that. but if you, let’s say, WANT to introduce me to someone, it’s fine. HAHAHAHA.

PS. i’m sorry for blogging this image as my own post, but i’m not tumblr famous so there’s no danger of this post spreading around.=P all credit for the image goes to balot-pinoy, but the words written here are of my own. (image via: balot-pinoy)